Monday, April 28, 2008
The female ministry of silly walks
It's been a while since I did any sort of a character study of idiosyncracies, but here's one that I don't know if anyone has recorded before. And it's exclusive to the female gender:
Females do silly walks.
It's true. You've probably never noticed it. It doesn't happen too often, but picture this. You are walking toward a female, and there aren't too many people around. You realise you know her, and she recognises you. She smiles and right then: she does a silly walk. And there it is. Whether it is an icebreaker or a subconscious method of drawing your attention, the silly walker won't know the reason. She'll just do it.
It's not the same for guys. They'll give a big grin, make some expansive gesture, act like a show pony or point and shoot with their fingers. All well documented and accepted. Yet the female equivalent is to do an unassuming silly walk. It generally involves slowing the steps down and exaggerating movement such as the swing of the arms or the drop of the shoulders.
Case study one:
A lecture, ca 2003. A girl walks into a lecture and sees a group of her friends coming in from the other side of the lecture hall. She walks over to them (in a silly fashion) as they approach her.
Case study two:
The movies, ca 2004. I am sitting in the movie foyer with Dom when my girlfriend at the time walks in the door. She sees me, walks over, and as I look up she executes a particularly silly walk. With a silly expression on her face. (She does a silly walk and now she's my ex. Go figure. Muhaha.)
Case study three:
I am returning to the office from a settlement when I notice a (male) legal executive from another law office walking toward me from some distance away. There is a female walking in front of me. I barely notice her to begin with, but then she embarks on a ridiculously silly walk toward the legal exec, hunching over to one side and swinging one arm. The exec is deaf, and has an unusual gait, so I wonder if she is making fun of his disability! But no, she is a friend of his, and knows sign language. They have a fingersation as I walk past.
Case study three:
The office, today. This is what jogged my memory. I walk down the hallway and pass Chanel. Normally I'm in a huge hurry, but I walked past and smiled. So did she... And she topped it all off with... You guessed it.
If you've ever noticed this type of behaviour, then can you disprove the above? The theory is flawless so far...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Sexy new hardware...
Less than 12 hours after shedding a few tears upon burying "my Ding-A-Ling", I sold out to a hot new model. She's slim, smooth and sexy. And here's how she sees me...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
After some prompting...
Something finally happened in my life! No, I'm not that sad; I just found a moment in which to write something down - assisted by those who know who they are (and I do actually thank you for that.) Also thanks to Liz for the inspiration - she hits NZ soil and she's a blogging machine! So Dom and I took a trip with Liz and Sarah. I took a random Tuesday off (while the office went to pot, I later learned) and took a trip down to the Catlins. So the story kinda goes:
1. We arrived in the wetlands with the girls demanding bathroom breaks every second second of the way. The name 'the wetlands' was just asking for trouble anyway.
2. Laughter turned to fear as the girls found out the guys were so tired of their demands they were prepared to kill to restore the silence...
3. We reached the Catlins and were welcomed by a seductive tree dryad who soon realised she was kinda stuck.
4. The Cathedral Caves were not as quite as accessible as I had been led to believe. Stupid indecipherable tide diagram in the ODT. It didn't stop a half-assed attempt by Dom, though!
5. At the conclusion, festivity was had by all... Except for me?
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
What have I done?
I joined Facebook. And no matter what they say about online communities like that one, and the sharing of information that goes on therein, such sites are for amusing oneself far more than staying in touch.
I mean, what ridiculous functions! Pictures you can draw? Quasi-roleplaying simulation? Quizzes you can take only once every twenty-four hours?
What hath God wrought?
I mean, what ridiculous functions! Pictures you can draw? Quasi-roleplaying simulation? Quizzes you can take only once every twenty-four hours?
What hath God wrought?
Monday, August 13, 2007
Drawing the line
So what is it with people who believe a squiggle of pen on paper is just a squiggle, but if the it ends with a line crossed back through the body of the squiggle, then suddenly it's a signature? Did these people attend signature school? One would have thought that one's signature/seal/John Hancock/whatever you like to call it is supposed to be an personal inimitable mark, but these squigglers and crossers are ending up with signatures just like every other man and his dog.
It's drawing the line - just like the use of the F-Bomb in movies. An M-rated movie is allowed one, but an R16 could potentially not need to use any other word (although no-one needs to prove this for the sake of the argument; such a repetitive script wouldn't make for very exciting watching). This is all based on the perfectly reasonable assumption that kids will all miss the first utterance of it, or perhaps they won't know what it means and will immediately ask their parents. Movie censors have drawn the line early because either way, the second swearword will affect kids deeply the second time around.
Wow - two totally unrelated topics, a tenuous and clumsy segue to link them, and we have a post. Neither subject alone was worthy of a post, so I spent the better part of 30 seconds working on bringing them together. And then I wondered when I was done - "Was that worth it?"
It's drawing the line - just like the use of the F-Bomb in movies. An M-rated movie is allowed one, but an R16 could potentially not need to use any other word (although no-one needs to prove this for the sake of the argument; such a repetitive script wouldn't make for very exciting watching). This is all based on the perfectly reasonable assumption that kids will all miss the first utterance of it, or perhaps they won't know what it means and will immediately ask their parents. Movie censors have drawn the line early because either way, the second swearword will affect kids deeply the second time around.
Wow - two totally unrelated topics, a tenuous and clumsy segue to link them, and we have a post. Neither subject alone was worthy of a post, so I spent the better part of 30 seconds working on bringing them together. And then I wondered when I was done - "Was that worth it?"
Monday, July 30, 2007
Legal levity
Since the USA has more lawyers than the rest of the world put together, there is what you might call a broad spectrum of competence. The following are all taken from American Court transcripts. There's no tomfoolery in MY Courtroom... Except for the first example, of course.
(In the Family Court with a female Judge, three female lawyers, one female specialist, one female witness, a female respondent and Jon)
JUDGE: ...and in the afternoon we'll allow one break for recess and one for ladies' breaks.
JON: Thank you, your Honour.
And that's about as light as it gets in there! The real stuff is below.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
(In the Family Court with a female Judge, three female lawyers, one female specialist, one female witness, a female respondent and Jon)
JUDGE: ...and in the afternoon we'll allow one break for recess and one for ladies' breaks.
JON: Thank you, your Honour.
And that's about as light as it gets in there! The real stuff is below.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Would you be so into me...
...if I wasn't a celebrity? The words of the immortal band NSYNC of course, but it's the way everyone's measuring themselves up nowadays. Today I walked into the office of Alistair Paterson, one of the better known lawyers round town, to find him on the 'MyHeritage' site conducting a Celebrity Morph. I realised I was into the spirit of things already when I noticed the guy who walked out when I entered looked suspiciously like Malcolm McDowell. Alistair got a match with Bruce Willis, Jeremy Northam and Robert De Niro, so I was keen to get home and try it out myself.
Perhaps I shouldn't have been quite so keen - my photos are mostly all smiles, which tends to result in the matches turning up girls. Yeah right, I hope I'm not thaaat attractive. After a couple of false starts, a few females, Pat Benetar and Missi Pyle (many times), Charles Bronson and Meatloaf I finally turned up Mark Wahlberg.
The photo above is one of the better ones, ie. it turns up slightly more manly men like Colin Firth, William H. Macy, Jeff Bridges, Brendan Fraser, Joshua Jackson and Cameron Diaz. OK, maybe Cameron is only a man's name but she blows the others (Sean Hayes and Ashton Kutcher) right out of the water in terms of manliness!
